Dear Director,

I’d just like to write to you to ask a few things, and perhaps get a few more off my chest. I know you’re a busy man, and you have little patience, but I would really appreciate it if you could take the time to read this and perhaps return correspondence. I would be most grateful, and it would certainly help me understand a few things.

You see, I have a few problems with the way you run things. Before you get all angry, I’m not saying you don’t do your job to a professional and, quite frankly, astonishingly effective level, but the workers have been talking and we’d all like to just let you know a few issues we have with they way things are carried out.

Firstly, I know The Tank is one of your best employees, but he can get a little heavy handed with the way he conducts business. Yesterday things got a bit out of hand, and the group had barely left the safe confines of their graffiti-covered room before he was upon them, meting out justice with his meaty fists. I mean, really? He needs to get a little less zealous and just hang back until he’s needed.

Of course, all that you need to do with him is have a sit down chat, just explain how this all works and make sure he understands his role. Simple enough. The Witch, however, is going to take quite a bit more time to address. You see she doesn’t really do her job. She just sits there, moping around with some bit of meat she picked up god knows where, until anyone comes close enough to disturb them and whatever sordid activity they’re up to. Things soon escalate, and soon it’s worse than getting between an intoxicated chav and their kebab. Needless to say, it’s not pretty.

As for the rest of your cast, they seem to be quite clear on what they need to do when they’re called on. I really don’t have any sort of qualms with them, except maybe to ask The Boomer to cut back on his diet. The man looks unhealthy.

Apart from that, I’d ask that you think a bit more of the extras in this whole production, and perhaps become slightly more prudent with their use. I know you’re from the new school of thought, but really, less is more. Things start to lose their desired effect when they’re always on screen. Think of them more as highlights to the painting, rather than the big swathes of colour.

Of course, you might see this all differently. I’m not trying to contradict you or anything, I wouldn’t dream of it. I know you have control over this whole thing, and to suggest otherwise would be ludicrous. I’m just finding it a bit difficult when all the pills have gone and I’m down to me and just one friend, and then you decide to let The Tank have a bit of fun. Maybe next time you can be a little bit more… generous?

Please don’t hurt me,

The Poisoned Sponge

P.S. Is it true zombies can’t look up?